Monthly Archives: August 2013

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Bad Day

Oh dear, well it happened I gained and I was sooo disappointed!!i had tried so hard. I got so mad at myself I binged and even as I was devouring my second chocolate bar I was asking myself why I felt the need to do that. I dragged myself through my morning work out and then had healthy breakfast but I felt so down on myself I gave in to the temptation that is the chocolate box at work 4 chocolates in all : ( , made me sick. It was such a strong urge and I mentally just could mot kick it. I Still feel yuck this morning. I ummed and shed about writing this but then I thought this is about me being accountable and to try and help me make sense of my Behaviour.

I got this sense of anxiety about failing again this round even though its not really failing as I just keep going and the results come slowly, I need to keep reminding myself of why I am doing this but in my mind when i gain after a relatively good week there are doubts about how the one size fits all calorie count is effecting my metabolism and whether I should do more research into what is an alternative. I really want a Dexa scan, so I am going to look into that maybe it will help me to understand what is physically going on with my body and I will keep working in the head stuff. Having said that I don’t want to slip into the all or nothing thinking and I also need to remind myself that this is a lifestyle change and not focus so much on the scales, ( hard as that is ) I want the weight gone and see a gain as a failure but really I am making good changes and the weight loss is a side effect of that.
Back on the horse I am going to train hard and eat clean.

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Don’t Give up what you want most for what you want today

This has become my mantra. It has helped me so much this week!, every time I want to go and raid the biscuit jar at work or the box of charity chocolates I tell my self, Don’t give up what you want most for what you want right now,  It reminds me of the bigger picture what do I really want and is that behaviour going to get it for me.

And its not just about food, its the exercise too. I think about sleeping in and not getting out of my warm bed and my mantra comes back and I get up and do it. I am going to apply that to my finances too, I have a habit of buying little things that are cheap or because they are on special but I am going to hold back and save for that family trip to Disney World I want for next Christmas.  

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I am 14 days in and at the moment I am going strong. I lost 1.9kg this week. That takes me to 116.2kg, I have not weighed that for around 7 years when I was doing sure slim. I have resolve this round and the fact the scales are going down is helping. I do worry that when I hit a plateau or put on that is going to put me into a spiral. I know that in the past when I don’t see results or I put on I get really down on myself and so starts the spiral back to my unhealthy ways. However now I have recognised that is a trigger so I am going to try really hard to not let it happen.

I have a massive weekend this weekend, a girlie catch up with a Thai meal attached, a beef and beer class (I don’t drink beer so hopefully that will be a minimal problem) with my hubby on the Saturday and a kids party on the Sunday. The Girls night is the one I am most concerned about as they like a drink and generally so do I and Thai is generally shared plates eek. What makes me most concerned is the Tapas class I did last week. Boy was that and eye opening experience! the added oil and fat and cheese that is added to restaurant meals and that is hidden shocked me, I knew that it was not always the healthiest option but even things I thought would be ok or the healthy alternative are not always so.

I am going to get through this weekend chanting my Mantra and work hard to stick to my plan and exercise. Have a good week

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Flexing that will power muscle

So it’s Friday of the first week and so far I have been pretty surprised by myself, unlike last round I have been up early every morning and it doesn’t feel like a chore, I am really enjoying my workouts, I love yoga and really enjoyed The bend it like bridges Video this morning. I feel very centered. I have been able to resist foods that normally would make me crumble and I have not eaten my emotions.

I made my inspiration board and I love it looking at it e dry day and stuck a quote on the fridge

don’t give up what you want most for what you want today

to stop me from mindless eating. I am feeling pumped hopefully this will keep going and I won’t fall off the wagon so often this round. I think I will also redo my preseason tasks on e a month to keep me on track.

Yesterday could have quite easily have been a red flag day for me there was cake and chocolates on the table in the staff room, even last week I would have grab one of the kit kats to munch on, yesterday I look at the cals on the bag to keep myself in check put it down and walked off, with the realization that I didn’t really want one. It’s just habit.
Then there was the cupcakes for a birthday in my class they smelled so good and the kids insisted I have one and normally I would have smashed it but I sent three home with the birthday child another yay me moment!

Then there was dinner out at the pub normally I would have one if the yummy rich specials, Instead I opted for the 300g rump steak asked for only veges no mash or chips and sauce on the side : ). I only ate half of the steak trying best to stick to my portion and didn’t steal any chips off the kids plates or have a wine. I was very proud of myself.

I still had the compulsion to pick at the plates, my hubby had gastric sleeve surgery 2 years ago and eats very small portions and my kids have been taught to stop eating when they are full which means that she we are out there is always left overs and I feeling like we are going to offend try to make it look like we are more!!! Crazy right but the waitress who is familiar with us asked last night if the food was ok, there was lots more left than usual. Why do I feel the need to eat more to make others feel better, maybe there is a link between the guilt feeling and the eating that comes from wanting to please hmmm.

Looking forward to tomorrow hubby and I have a date day a Tapas cooking class so that is my treat meal. Hopefully I can get through that without going over over board!!

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My story so far

My story so far

This is my Round 3 2013 12WBT before pic, at the moment I am weighing in at 118.1Kg and wearing around a size 18. Argh scary stuff putting that out there but this is all about being accountable and staying on track.
I don’t look at that picture and think yuck I look at that picture and see a body that I have treated very poorly. It has done amazing things like carried and delivered 2 beautiful babies and it allows me to move and breathe and experience life, I however have filled it with crap and let it become inactive.
I have been an emotional eater since I was around 9 years old, I was a normal sized kid till then, around that time I was being bullied me at school. I used to sneak any thing and everything out of the cupboards and eat them under the blankets at night. By the time I was 12 my mum had me going with her to Weight Watchers, I don’t think my mother ( god bless her) has ever really understood the idea of a portion size for children although we ate very healthy meals usually meat and three veg, she filled our plates to the brim and we were expected to finish everything on the plate, I still feel guilty not eating everything on the plate so we have small plates : ). However as Kids we were always active swimming and dancing and playing outside were all part of our lives well into our teens.

Weight Watchers was to be a constant in my life for years after, I don’t know how many attempts I had at weight watchers. There was also Sure slim, body trim, rapid loss, opti fast, and countless others. I lost weight on all of these programs but always gained it back and then some.

I have never had a great body image, I suffered burns to my back and arms when I was a about 2 and my mother was always careful to cover my skin. I never wore the same types of dresses or little midriff tops that were big in the 80’s and 90’s, my sisters did and at the beach I always had full piece cozie whilst my sisters frolicked around in little bikinis, I used to think it was because I was too fat to wear a bikini even at the age of 6 or 7(and I was a healthy sized kid), I never thought about the scars on my back my mum was trying hard to protect from the sun. I have always seen myself as fat. It didn’t help that kids are cruel and keep reminding you of it. So now I have decided that no matter what preconceived notions I have about myself I do not have to carry that label forever, I don’t know what its like to not be FAT, I have never experienced being happy with my body.

This is an emotional journey. For the 1st time in my life I am feeling my emotions not eating them. I am recognising that this is a bad habit and dealing with it. Yesterday I had a to leave work early to pick up my son from school as he was unwell, I was stressed at having to leave work unfinished and guilty that I was leaving early and angry at my self for feeling guilty because my kids come first. The first thought in my head when I got into the car was drive to the petrol station and get some chocolate. A couple of weeks ago I would have done it, but for the 1st time in a long time a light bulb went off and I realised you don’t want chocolate you want the feelings of guilt and the conflict to go away, eating the chocolate won’t help that so I had to deal with it. Which I did by coming home and doing my kitchen makeover.

I started this journey 4 rounds ago. I did two rounds at the beginning of last year the second of which I did not complete, I had a miscarriage half way through that round and lost all motivation to keep going however I kept the 5kg of the 10 Kg I lost on round 1 off. So I got back on the wagon in January this year and I am committed to this now however long it takes!!.

My weight loss to date has been slow and kind of like doing the cha-cha one step forward two steps back. So far in two rounds of the 12WBT I have lost 8kg. I lost and gained the same two kilos for the last 6 weeks of the last round and I am determined to see it gone!!!, so my goal for the next month is to lose 3kg and keep it OFF. Part of achieving that goal is to stay accountable and really stick to clean eating. So this is where I will record those light bulb moments, the struggles and the celebrations of this journey. I hope to motivate myself and hopefully a few others along the way : )