I joined the gym on Tuesday, 1st session was emotional! I felt so self conscious I don’t think I raised much of a sweat having said that I did run for 20 mins on the treadmill but I couldn’t bring myself to
Stretch in front of people stupid but I paid for it the next day. On Tuesday the crowd was girls who wore tons of make up to work out and young over muscled guys. I have not ventured into the weights as they put me off but u do get three PT sessions so after those I might be more comfortable.
It brought up some issues I have with how others think of me and I feel judged by my size. And it has lead me to believe that I so totally base far to much of my self worth on others opinions of me and that needs to stop. It will be a long road but I will get there.
I went back yesterday and did 10mins cross trainer, 10mins running in the treadmill and 25mins in the pool.
As a kid and well into my teens I was a swimmer trained 4 days a week till I was 15 and then 2 days until I was 17. I comp swam on Fridays and weekends and although I was never the best at the club comps, I always ripped up
The pool at school swimming carnivals
I loved it. Some days training sucked some afternoons I really didn’t want to be there because all my friends were hanging out at the shops or each other’s places and I was swimming but I made lovely friends at swimming to.
Yesterday swimming was magic it took me back it was something I was good at, although I was always a big girl I was never that self conscious of walking around in a speedo cause that was my second skin.
Is funny that although I always thought of myself as fat I have very clear memories of walking along the pool to the marshaling area in just my cozies while the other girls hid behind their towels and baggy tees. I wasn’t ashamed oft body I didn’t hide it. So I wonder when that need to cover up and the feelings of self consciousness really hit me.
I also remember telling my PE teacher that making me run around the oval was not a true test of my fitness and that if you put me in the pool I’d lap every kid in my year lol. So the pool was my comfort zone and yesterday I really felt comfortable although I am aching everywhere from muscles I have not used in years!! It’s a good sore.

Had an awesome weekend catching up with people I have not seen for over a year and lots of compliments. Got a few over the past couple of weeks actually started to feel a bit guilty because, I have been inconsistent, some days are great others are just complete flops. no major weight gain just up and down the same kilo. So have decided it is time to change it up. I have not been hauling my butt out of bed at 5am to go running or fit any other exercise for that matter. So today I am going to join the gym. I am going to commit to an hour a day and schedule each days workout if it will be impossible for me to get to the gym then that morning I will run or do a DVD. I am going to eat clean and smash the last two weeks of this 12wbt round. I have my finale tickets and group workout tickets too so excited and nervous about both.

So I gained again! But this time I know why I fell totally off the wagon! I stopped working out last week. Not that I wasn’t active but I didn’t stick to my routine and now I am struggling to get my butt out of bed with daylight savings. My husband had some time off with us over these school holidays which was so lovely got in a couple of days of golf and some movies. It also meant lots of meals out. I had no self control and binged. I am now feeling like I am back at square one because I have to reestablish my eating and exercise plan and I am struggling!!
But it’s only been a week and only 1kg damage done so time to pull my head in and get back to it.
I am also struggling with the fact that I have only lost 2kg this round frustrated but I have lost cm and people around me have noticed a difference which is nice.
So my plan for tomorrow and everyday after is to get out of bed EARLY and do my workout and eat clean!! Wish me luck lol