Had an awesome weekend catching up with people I have not seen for over a year and lots of compliments. Got a few over the past couple of weeks actually started to feel a bit guilty because, I have been inconsistent, some days are great others are just complete flops. no major weight gain just up and down the same kilo. So have decided it is time to change it up. I have not been hauling my butt out of bed at 5am to go running or fit any other exercise for that matter. So today I am going to join the gym. I am going to commit to an hour a day and schedule each days workout if it will be impossible for me to get to the gym then that morning I will run or do a DVD. I am going to eat clean and smash the last two weeks of this 12wbt round. I have my finale tickets and group workout tickets too so excited and nervous about both.
Arrhghhh
So I gained again! But this time I know why I fell totally off the wagon! I stopped working out last week. Not that I wasn’t active but I didn’t stick to my routine and now I am struggling to get my butt out of bed with daylight savings. My husband had some time off with us over these school holidays which was so lovely got in a couple of days of golf and some movies. It also meant lots of meals out. I had no self control and binged. I am now feeling like I am back at square one because I have to reestablish my eating and exercise plan and I am struggling!!
But it’s only been a week and only 1kg damage done so time to pull my head in and get back to it.
I am also struggling with the fact that I have only lost 2kg this round frustrated but I have lost cm and people around me have noticed a difference which is nice.
So my plan for tomorrow and everyday after is to get out of bed EARLY and do my workout and eat clean!! Wish me luck lol
50 reasons I want to lose weight
It was suggested by one of the lovely people in out fabulous 30+ crew to write a list of 100 reasons why we wanted to lose weight and I though it would be a great reminder of all the best things about being lighter.
But as this was a daunting tasks I am going to start with 50 reasons and see how I go
1. To run around with my boys
2. To walk into a normal sized shop and buy whatever the hell I like.
3. To not worry about squishing others when sitting in confined spaces like the theatre, airplanes, concerts etc.
4. To feel proud of my body
5. To not feel the need to cover up
My arms and legs at the beach.
6. To not feel self conscious in a swimming costume.
7.to fit properly into all Resturant chairs
8. To be able to squeeze past people to get into a seat and not feel like I am suffocating them.
9. To play on playground with my kids
10.get in rides at an amusement park without worrying if I will fit in the safety harness!
11.to walk into a shop and not feel like I am intruding because nothing in there will fit.
13. To run in the day time and not feel self conscious.
14. To be fit
15. To live my best life
16. To not let my weight hold me back
17. So I can go horse riding
18. So I can get into a normal sized wet suit to swim with the dolphins at Sea world
19. To look better in photos
20. To feel confident and comfortable taking my kids to wet and wild
21. To be able to go up the steps to a waterslide without being completely out of breathe
22. So I can run a fun run
23. So my life isn’t controlled by food
24. So I stop eating my emotion and feel in control
25. So I can walk to minnamurra falls without feeling like I am going to keel over.
26. To have strong muscles and bones so I have good mobility when I am older.
27. To feel proud of myself
28. So my legs don’t rub together when I wearing dresses and skirts
29. So I can wear sleeveless tops and shorts
30. So that my kids can be proud of their mum
31. So I feel like I am worthy of the love that my husband had for me
32. To feel strong self worth and stop feeling insecure
33. To gain confidence
34. To not be afraid to try new things because I am worried about how people perceive me and my weight.
35. To sit on any seat and not worry that its going to break under my weight.
36. To use any ladder or step stool without worrying I am to heavy and it may buckle.
37. To be flexible and strong
38. To teach my kids healthy eating habits
39. To give them and my self an active lifestyle
40. To push my limits
41. To be proud of achievements
42. To motivate others
43. So that I can be self aware and in control
44. So that I don’t feel like people are judging me based on my size
45. So I can dance without feeling self conscious
46. To fit comfortable in a double bed with my hubby if we have to when on hols
47. So I feel good and my body is fueled properly
48. So I don’t have to worry at the age if 33 about blood pressure and heart attacks
49. To be 34 and happy with my body for the 1st time in my memory
59. To have fun
Other people’s issues!
I am enjoying this blogging thing it has given me a real chance to look at what is happening around me and see it from different angles and this has helped me stay on track. I lost 800g this week brings my grand total for Round two to 2.8kg in 6 weeks that’s almost 500g a week average which is healthy I guess. I am ok with that because I am really in the mindset now of however long it takes I am in it.
This week I has a few moments of clarity about how I react to those around me and stress. I have come to realize that really my reaction and perception of reality are what will make it break me in the end.
I have always been a people pleaser I can’t stand the idea that someone would not like me or think Badly of me and until this year I very rarely said no to anyone!, but as I have gotten more to grips with my self worth I have started to step back and take stock of what is going to enrich my life and what is just making others happy. I have never taken the time to care for myself, I was always so concerned about what other people thought. This is changing.
I have a friend whose Behaviour I was taking very personally, i felt threatened and annoyed by her. She really is a lovely girl but she feels the need to make sure everything is done and done to a great standard, she is a perfectionist and takes care of everyone else, does everything for everyone and she would not think to put herself first.
Yesterday it dawned on me that the reason I felt threatened was because this was the old me, I tried so hard to please everyone else I forgot about me and I was not important, she has taken up the mantle and has become the go to girl!! Not me, cause I am no longer the door mat. Wasn’t comfortable at all, I was feeling very rejected but now I am happy because I have realized that I was not happy being that person.
As Dr Seuss says those he mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. So I will cull some people from my life or they will cull themselves as if I am no longer important being independent and strong minded then they are no longer important to me.
The other thing that has brought this home for me other the past few months is my beloved rabbitohs. I have supported them since birth born into a household of very avid footy fans but for the majority of my life they have been the cellar dwellers, this year we are very successful and in contention for our first premiership in 41 years, very exciting! But I have copped more flack for being a Souths supporter this year than I ever did when we were losers, so I have come to except that a lot of people have issues with success when it is not their own and no matter what you do you won’t alter their perception of their reality! So you have to alter your own. It reminds me of this quote by mother Theresa another for my inspiration board I think
Light bulb moments
I had another gain this week but I am all good with that as I had a great weekend away with hubby and over indulged on wine and good cheese and I figure that’s ok occasionally because after all this is a lifestyle change.
A couple of weeks back I had a gain and was so down on myself, I told my darling husband that I felt like crap and was frustrated that I was losing the weight sooooo slowly. He then asked me why did I want to loose weight?, my response was I wanted to be fit and healthy and run around with the boys and also feel comfortable in my own skin. He then responded with but you are fitter than you have been in years, you are running around with the boys and you are making healthy food choices, aren’t you doing all those things why do you feel it’s not working? Hmmm touché
So that got me thinking that really this is all about the journey not the destination, I am not going to get to the magic goal weight and all of a sudden feel better about myself and my body. I need to accept me as I go through this. I am really enjoying my life so much more!, I have more energy and I love that feeling of knowing I am starting to live my best life, still not all that comfortable in my skin but that’s always going to be a work in progress.
On the plus side I am now wearing a plus size 16 comfortable for the first time in many years and I feel so great about that. So I will hold onto that number rather than the one on the scale and just keep going cause eventually I will get to whet I need to go I am defiantly heading in the right direction : )
When did exercise stop being fun!
“Mummy can I play your exercises too” said a little voice this morning, I was tempted to say to my beautiful 4 year old that mummy wasn’t playing I was doing some hard training!, but to him what I was doing look like playing and I guess that’s what it should be! Something we do to keep fit and healthy but also for enjoyment.
I played soccer with my kindy class on Thursday I ran and i got sweaty and we all laughed out heads off the kids had a ball and so did I. That’s when the thought popped into my head. I then watched all the kids running around at lunch time climbing the climbing equipment, playing tag, skipping, soccer and superhero games which involved running. None of them complained about being tired or saw muscles or no time they were all enjoying being active without giving it a second thought. So when did it get hard??
So this week my plan is to play more!! More running around with my own kids and having fun less watching from the sidelines be a use after all this is what this journey has been about i wanted to be able to run around and play with my kids and I did that this week!! I am no where near my goal “weight” but I am moving in the right direction and getting healthy.
As for weight I lost 1.3kg this week. I discovered my base metobolic rate on the 12wbt website, it is 1970 so I decided maybe my body is in storage mode and I need to quick start it and it worked Cals up to between 1500 -1600. And I even managed to burn 500 cals in one workout something I have not done in months yay me. So feeling good at the moment. My mind frame is starting to get to the right point.
Bad Day
Oh dear, well it happened I gained and I was sooo disappointed!!i had tried so hard. I got so mad at myself I binged and even as I was devouring my second chocolate bar I was asking myself why I felt the need to do that. I dragged myself through my morning work out and then had healthy breakfast but I felt so down on myself I gave in to the temptation that is the chocolate box at work 4 chocolates in all : ( , made me sick. It was such a strong urge and I mentally just could mot kick it. I Still feel yuck this morning. I ummed and shed about writing this but then I thought this is about me being accountable and to try and help me make sense of my Behaviour.
I got this sense of anxiety about failing again this round even though its not really failing as I just keep going and the results come slowly, I need to keep reminding myself of why I am doing this but in my mind when i gain after a relatively good week there are doubts about how the one size fits all calorie count is effecting my metabolism and whether I should do more research into what is an alternative. I really want a Dexa scan, so I am going to look into that maybe it will help me to understand what is physically going on with my body and I will keep working in the head stuff. Having said that I don’t want to slip into the all or nothing thinking and I also need to remind myself that this is a lifestyle change and not focus so much on the scales, ( hard as that is ) I want the weight gone and see a gain as a failure but really I am making good changes and the weight loss is a side effect of that.
Back on the horse I am going to train hard and eat clean.
Don’t Give up what you want most for what you want today
This has become my mantra. It has helped me so much this week!, every time I want to go and raid the biscuit jar at work or the box of charity chocolates I tell my self, Don’t give up what you want most for what you want right now, It reminds me of the bigger picture what do I really want and is that behaviour going to get it for me.
And its not just about food, its the exercise too. I think about sleeping in and not getting out of my warm bed and my mantra comes back and I get up and do it. I am going to apply that to my finances too, I have a habit of buying little things that are cheap or because they are on special but I am going to hold back and save for that family trip to Disney World I want for next Christmas.
They say it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I am 14 days in and at the moment I am going strong. I lost 1.9kg this week. That takes me to 116.2kg, I have not weighed that for around 7 years when I was doing sure slim. I have resolve this round and the fact the scales are going down is helping. I do worry that when I hit a plateau or put on that is going to put me into a spiral. I know that in the past when I don’t see results or I put on I get really down on myself and so starts the spiral back to my unhealthy ways. However now I have recognised that is a trigger so I am going to try really hard to not let it happen.
I have a massive weekend this weekend, a girlie catch up with a Thai meal attached, a beef and beer class (I don’t drink beer so hopefully that will be a minimal problem) with my hubby on the Saturday and a kids party on the Sunday. The Girls night is the one I am most concerned about as they like a drink and generally so do I and Thai is generally shared plates eek. What makes me most concerned is the Tapas class I did last week. Boy was that and eye opening experience! the added oil and fat and cheese that is added to restaurant meals and that is hidden shocked me, I knew that it was not always the healthiest option but even things I thought would be ok or the healthy alternative are not always so.
I am going to get through this weekend chanting my Mantra and work hard to stick to my plan and exercise. Have a good week
Flexing that will power muscle
So it’s Friday of the first week and so far I have been pretty surprised by myself, unlike last round I have been up early every morning and it doesn’t feel like a chore, I am really enjoying my workouts, I love yoga and really enjoyed The bend it like bridges Video this morning. I feel very centered. I have been able to resist foods that normally would make me crumble and I have not eaten my emotions.
I made my inspiration board and I love it looking at it e dry day and stuck a quote on the fridge
don’t give up what you want most for what you want today
to stop me from mindless eating. I am feeling pumped hopefully this will keep going and I won’t fall off the wagon so often this round. I think I will also redo my preseason tasks on e a month to keep me on track.
Yesterday could have quite easily have been a red flag day for me there was cake and chocolates on the table in the staff room, even last week I would have grab one of the kit kats to munch on, yesterday I look at the cals on the bag to keep myself in check put it down and walked off, with the realization that I didn’t really want one. It’s just habit.
Then there was the cupcakes for a birthday in my class they smelled so good and the kids insisted I have one and normally I would have smashed it but I sent three home with the birthday child another yay me moment!
Then there was dinner out at the pub normally I would have one if the yummy rich specials, Instead I opted for the 300g rump steak asked for only veges no mash or chips and sauce on the side : ). I only ate half of the steak trying best to stick to my portion and didn’t steal any chips off the kids plates or have a wine. I was very proud of myself.
I still had the compulsion to pick at the plates, my hubby had gastric sleeve surgery 2 years ago and eats very small portions and my kids have been taught to stop eating when they are full which means that she we are out there is always left overs and I feeling like we are going to offend try to make it look like we are more!!! Crazy right but the waitress who is familiar with us asked last night if the food was ok, there was lots more left than usual. Why do I feel the need to eat more to make others feel better, maybe there is a link between the guilt feeling and the eating that comes from wanting to please hmmm.
Looking forward to tomorrow hubby and I have a date day a Tapas cooking class so that is my treat meal. Hopefully I can get through that without going over over board!!
My story so far
This is my Round 3 2013 12WBT before pic, at the moment I am weighing in at 118.1Kg and wearing around a size 18. Argh scary stuff putting that out there but this is all about being accountable and staying on track.
I don’t look at that picture and think yuck I look at that picture and see a body that I have treated very poorly. It has done amazing things like carried and delivered 2 beautiful babies and it allows me to move and breathe and experience life, I however have filled it with crap and let it become inactive.
I have been an emotional eater since I was around 9 years old, I was a normal sized kid till then, around that time I was being bullied me at school. I used to sneak any thing and everything out of the cupboards and eat them under the blankets at night. By the time I was 12 my mum had me going with her to Weight Watchers, I don’t think my mother ( god bless her) has ever really understood the idea of a portion size for children although we ate very healthy meals usually meat and three veg, she filled our plates to the brim and we were expected to finish everything on the plate, I still feel guilty not eating everything on the plate so we have small plates : ). However as Kids we were always active swimming and dancing and playing outside were all part of our lives well into our teens.
Weight Watchers was to be a constant in my life for years after, I don’t know how many attempts I had at weight watchers. There was also Sure slim, body trim, rapid loss, opti fast, and countless others. I lost weight on all of these programs but always gained it back and then some.
I have never had a great body image, I suffered burns to my back and arms when I was a about 2 and my mother was always careful to cover my skin. I never wore the same types of dresses or little midriff tops that were big in the 80’s and 90’s, my sisters did and at the beach I always had full piece cozie whilst my sisters frolicked around in little bikinis, I used to think it was because I was too fat to wear a bikini even at the age of 6 or 7(and I was a healthy sized kid), I never thought about the scars on my back my mum was trying hard to protect from the sun. I have always seen myself as fat. It didn’t help that kids are cruel and keep reminding you of it. So now I have decided that no matter what preconceived notions I have about myself I do not have to carry that label forever, I don’t know what its like to not be FAT, I have never experienced being happy with my body.
This is an emotional journey. For the 1st time in my life I am feeling my emotions not eating them. I am recognising that this is a bad habit and dealing with it. Yesterday I had a to leave work early to pick up my son from school as he was unwell, I was stressed at having to leave work unfinished and guilty that I was leaving early and angry at my self for feeling guilty because my kids come first. The first thought in my head when I got into the car was drive to the petrol station and get some chocolate. A couple of weeks ago I would have done it, but for the 1st time in a long time a light bulb went off and I realised you don’t want chocolate you want the feelings of guilt and the conflict to go away, eating the chocolate won’t help that so I had to deal with it. Which I did by coming home and doing my kitchen makeover.
I started this journey 4 rounds ago. I did two rounds at the beginning of last year the second of which I did not complete, I had a miscarriage half way through that round and lost all motivation to keep going however I kept the 5kg of the 10 Kg I lost on round 1 off. So I got back on the wagon in January this year and I am committed to this now however long it takes!!.
My weight loss to date has been slow and kind of like doing the cha-cha one step forward two steps back. So far in two rounds of the 12WBT I have lost 8kg. I lost and gained the same two kilos for the last 6 weeks of the last round and I am determined to see it gone!!!, so my goal for the next month is to lose 3kg and keep it OFF. Part of achieving that goal is to stay accountable and really stick to clean eating. So this is where I will record those light bulb moments, the struggles and the celebrations of this journey. I hope to motivate myself and hopefully a few others along the way : )
wide woman to wonder woman 