I joined the gym on Tuesday, 1st session was emotional! I felt so self conscious I don’t think I raised much of a sweat having said that I did run for 20 mins on the treadmill but I couldn’t bring myself to
Stretch in front of people stupid but I paid for it the next day. On Tuesday the crowd was girls who wore tons of make up to work out and young over muscled guys. I have not ventured into the weights as they put me off but u do get three PT sessions so after those I might be more comfortable.
It brought up some issues I have with how others think of me and I feel judged by my size. And it has lead me to believe that I so totally base far to much of my self worth on others opinions of me and that needs to stop. It will be a long road but I will get there.
I went back yesterday and did 10mins cross trainer, 10mins running in the treadmill and 25mins in the pool.
As a kid and well into my teens I was a swimmer trained 4 days a week till I was 15 and then 2 days until I was 17. I comp swam on Fridays and weekends and although I was never the best at the club comps, I always ripped up
The pool at school swimming carnivals
I loved it. Some days training sucked some afternoons I really didn’t want to be there because all my friends were hanging out at the shops or each other’s places and I was swimming but I made lovely friends at swimming to.
Yesterday swimming was magic it took me back it was something I was good at, although I was always a big girl I was never that self conscious of walking around in a speedo cause that was my second skin.
Is funny that although I always thought of myself as fat I have very clear memories of walking along the pool to the marshaling area in just my cozies while the other girls hid behind their towels and baggy tees. I wasn’t ashamed oft body I didn’t hide it. So I wonder when that need to cover up and the feelings of self consciousness really hit me.
I also remember telling my PE teacher that making me run around the oval was not a true test of my fitness and that if you put me in the pool I’d lap every kid in my year lol. So the pool was my comfort zone and yesterday I really felt comfortable although I am aching everywhere from muscles I have not used in years!! It’s a good sore.